A professor from North America calling fuh a tax pun fatty foods fuh save people lives. He calling it a “fat tax”. He sehin that de “fat tax” money could help mek healthy food cheaper and advertise fuh healthy eating. It sound good, but when some hear “tax”; dem does balk. Some sehin that people must be free to eat what dem want and free to get fat! Fat people worried that de tax “stigmatising” dem because dem big. Dem want fuh know why “fine” people mustn’t pay tax. De “fat tax” supporters seh that no tax in de history of taxation is ever “fine”. That ended that argument.
With some one-third of de people in de states obese, de professor see that as good enough reason fuh introducing de “fat tax” so it can reduce risk of cancer, high blood pressure, strokes, and sleeping problems. But just like that one-third, dem big ones here meking noise about this new “fat tax”. What dem forget is that Guyana already gat an old fat tax because one-third of yuh pay does end up out yuh pocket leffing a “fine” salary! This local fat tax does wuk in de reverse. It does mek some can’t sleep and give dem high blood pressure when dem see how much dem can’t tek home!
Long now plenty here calling fuh this fat tax fuh get “slim” so that dem can buy more fatty food and other things. De professor thinking that if people here eat more fatty food, he could use that fuh “fatten” he “fat tax” case in de States since de problem gon be getting global. So he gon lobby fuh a “slimmer” tax here! People rushing fuh buy red carpet fuh welcome de professor. Dem even planning fuh have a float pun Mash day fuh advertise dem cause. With one-third of dem pay not theirs, cost fuh de float is a problem. Dem looking fuh a one-man float. Dem calling those famous fat men. De phones ringing out! Ting-a-ling-a-ling…Friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie!

Apparently a “mystery disease” affecting plenty in a part of Uganda. Doctors baffle and can’t find a cause. Children is de victims and de symptoms include mental disabilities. Fuh now, dem calling de illness de “nodding disease”. A similar mystery deh right here. It gat some people who, from dem action, does behave like children (no disrespect intended to de children) and look like dem symptomatic of “mentalness”. When dem gather, dem nod in agreement fuh waste away de progress de country mek. And this ain’t new. It start when a palm tree was “planted” over 50  years ago!
Even though de palm tree change “hands”, de state of “mentalness” continue. Some suh affected, dem get forgetful so that when dem speak, dem embarrassing dem self. De finance man who trying fuh be in Ashni “shadow”, meking accusation of lack of accountability. He “green” on de “edge” meking he sehin things fuh people laff. Ashni didn’t leff he down. He remind de “shadow” man that de practice of de government now getting audit every year and a report submitted to de House, never happen when de Palm Tree was (mis)ruling!
Ashni seh de “shadow” man and de Palm Tree party never had accountability even in dem shadows when dem was blocking de “sunlight” from de nation! Dem mek everything waste away meking de country bankrupt! Scientists seh wasting away is a symptom of de disease. Then, it was a waste of time asking fuh accountability. Now, is routine. Scientists here now convinced that this “mystery disease” might have it “roots” in de Palm Tree years back and was pass to Dictator “Idi” from Dictator “Forbsie”. Don’t be surprise if yuh see plenty foreign scientists around here! Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie!

People now convinced that de opposition ain’t concern about development. While de Bell Crier “knock” about this before, people mustn’t lose sight of it. By blocking money with dem “one seat extra”, dem jeopardising major projects in health, education, housing and roads. Over de years plenty people get a chance fuh own dem own house and car and so on. When de Coconut Tree party was (mis)leading de nation when dem was in office, people couldn’t afford such things. Even de very lil few who might, dem wouldn’t ah get stuff fuh build house because everything was in shortage then and financial opportunities wasn’t around
Now that people prospering since de Cup party in office, especially when BJ was in charge, de Opposition want de country and de people fuh return to de days of “suffermentation”. Dem palaver how dem gon bring development and so on if dem win. Dem ain’t win, but just gat lil leverage, and dem want fuh reverse all de good things that was achieved. It look like dem still gat de “one-gear car” dem accustom to drive which does only go in reverse! Along with dem pals at de “mukracker”, dem trying fuh stop development that even private people bring about. During dem time, dem mek de “tie-dye” cloth mill place flop and leff it abandon like plenty other places.
De place was leff wasting away and now that it fully develop and plenty people get jobs, dem want to reverse that. De “mukracker” boss blue vex that de place prospering, so as part ah de opposition, he pushing de cause to reverse. Dem just ain’t want people fuh prosper! But people seeing through dem. Faith “let de cat out de bag”. Others like she from de original Coconut Tree party coming to dem sense after getting sideline. David, de now Speaker and Khemraj leff dem with dem “hands up”! Somebody whisper that Corbie might be putting out David and he gang from de Sophia “sanctuary”! If true, than even Corbie now catch he self! After all, de things he now enjoying, he ain’t want it reverse! Ting-a-ling-a-ling…Friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie!

De other day a man was sharing religious pamphlets out in a certain part of de city. A Palm Tree man tek one and tell de “sharer” to give some government officials since, according to he, dem need a “spiritual cleansing”. Some people who know de Palm Tree man start fuh laff since dem was convince he was joking more than clown at children party. De people ask de Palm Tree jester fuh mek sure he give de pamphlets to dem in he party who run down de country when dem was ruling and mek people life miserable. De people call plenty names from de Palm Tree era who really need such a “cleansing”.
De names was so much that dem use words like “oppressors” and “dictators” fuh save time. De people remind de jester about de dark days of de Palm Tree when people wasn’t free fuh talk, when food and fuel was scare, and health care and good roads was absent, and when imagination was another word fuh technology. De man believe because de Palm Tree party change it name, people forget. Some even try fuh change dem clothes fuh fool people like a former “tap-cap” who did seh fuh hold he “accountable”. Well, now he is MP fuh de “Hands-up” party. From “khaki” he now wearing three-piece suit. But he can’t hide. Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie!

Is plenty water stories over de last few weeks; pirates and related deaths and flooding in some parts. De Bell Crier empathise with the affected. It could never be easy fuh dem. With such sadness, automatically and understandably, de price fuh fish and “greens” does rise up like de water in de conservancy. Regrettably, that does bring sadness to de pockets of consumers. Somebody who does “mek styles” pun fish, ain’t gon find it cheaper fuh eat “greens” and vice versa. But it gat some vendors who don’t need flood and piracy fuh “pirate” consumers with high prices.
Fuh dem, is whole year de prices fuh “greens” and fish high even though de water does be lower than de expectations of de Georgetown Mayor and City Council. Just like how Leslie and Lionel investigating de rising of de water levels, maybe somebody should investigate de high prices when de water levels low. De vendors asking fuh a investigation too. Dem sehin that sometimes de “receipt” dem does receive fuh payment fuh sell, don’t be “above water”! Investigation now look like a popular thing, more popular than de Police sehin dem “investigating”.
De second and last place parties in de last election trying fuh use dem runner-up status fuh ask fuh investigation of certain things. Dem even want fuh investigate investigation! Maybe people should ask fuh investigation of Father Darke murder, de Glass Factory, de KSIs “supermarkets”, de barge that Corbie did buy, de rigged elections from 1964-85, de allegations of horror meted out to some in de National Service, de hydro project that water now cover up and how de country went bankrupt in 1992! That should be interesting. De pressure of some in de “Hands-up” and “key” party gon rise quicker than de water and prices! Ting-a-ling-a-ling…Friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie!

Tony now asking he opposition pals fuh use dem “influence” to tek back radio licences de government give recently. Before that, de whole opposition and dem media pals mek plenty noise fuh de “freeing” up of radio. Dem seh it was “undemocratic” fuh have only one radio station. Now 12 licence get approve, Tony want it get tek back. It look like he want share “cat-boil”. De opposition happy that de radio monopoly bruk, so dem ain’t “voompsing” pun Tony. Dem want fuh know who he representing since he is a ex-MP, a ex-media owner and a ex-unauthorised radio operator. He just get “X” out!
Remember when he and Rexy was de only two TV stations? Then, yuh could ah see Rexy transmission fuh free. But Tony put scrambler. Yuh had to buy “de-scrambler” (“black box”) from he fuh see. People pay even though he trap it free! Moviemaker and singers know that pirates don’t only be in de sea. Back then, people had to pay some US$200 just fuh a certain ethnic religious half-hour programme show pun de “Very Costly Tv”! Money use to flow like de water now in de Maduni sluice! Maybe that is why Tony ain’t want others fuh get radio licence just like when he did vex when others get TV licence! Tony ain’t change. De opposition change. Dem gat more sense.
Years now plenty people allege how some overseers corrupt and don’t do dem wuk. Overseers gat power and some deh suh long pun de job dem get pension long before Freddie! Only people who gat to deal with de NDCs and overseers know de frustration. Suh Ganga and Norman decide fuh shuffle de overseers. Residents happy. Not de opposition. David sehin he not in agreement and de shuffling must halt! De same opposition does holler when government don’t act. Is David denying de allegations of corruption and supporting de frustration of people? It look like he in familiar territory like when de Coconut Tree party was in office! Ting-a-ling-a-ling…Friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie!

De traffic get more congested on de East Bank. People seh before Christmas, it was bad, but not this terrible. Some in Diamond use to leff house just after seven in de morning and mek it to Georgetown in time. Now de same set leffing just at six-thirty and can’t mek it. Is either more people move in after de festive season or everybody there buy car. Maybe that is why de PPP series gone suh far. De series going fast and de APNU and AFC people frighten fuh buy even though some want, especially dem new MPs. How would de new Speaker look rolling up in a “PPP” car when everybody know he loyalties is with de Palm Tree? De same fuh David and Khemraj.
Moses mo frighten fuh buy one because David did seh he don’t trust a “PPP” man. With a number plate that sehin “PPP”, Moses can’t tell David he lie. Everybody gon be watching in Parliament compound today fuh see de numbers even though budget debate ain’t start! Don’t be surprise if some cover up dem plates; not necessarily de set in dem mouth. Covers does get blown, just like de “star-apple” cover fuh de “white stuff” that de police in Canada find it. Before, people use “cover” like lumber, egg-ball, false hair, chicken, Hawan Kund and even dem own stomach. Ever wonder what happen to somebody who put de “thing” in dem stomach, reach de plane, but it can’t taxi fuh a whole day!
By the way, who does use de “stuff” after it pass through that “process”? Still on passing, a lady in China give birth to a 15-pound baby! No comment. That is almost twice the weight of a normal baby! Years back there was a “giant” baby. Things have change just like de climate. It look like some are “borning obese”. That could negatively affect de finances of fast food places. But just next door from China, a news report show that a lady in India give birth to 11 babies at one birthing! Some here in de region hoping fuh a similar “miracle” so that it can lead to a brand new West Indies team or even a board! Ting-a-ling-a-ling…Friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie!

Manny get appointed “head of de gaming committee”. People want fuh know if he is now de “messiah” fuh solve de cricket problem since de “games” there get halt. But is not that, he now responsible fuh overseeing de Casino. Over two months done since he refused to tek the job again and nobody ain’t officially get appoint as Tourism Minister. Erfan “acting” fuh now. Seeing how good he is, Ron offer “acting” Erfan fuh play de Housing Minister pun de Link Show. Erfan seh he not game fuh that! People know that only tourists and guests of de hotel could play game in de Casino. That could put Manny in a spot to get in.
It either mean he gon be coming as a tourist at de airport and Erfan gon have to receive and give he “black-cake” and mauby like what all de tourists does get, or he tek up residence at de Hotel! BJ back in de news after he went pun a tour. He get another Doctorate. That mek it three. Everybody now gat to address he as Dr Dr Dr BJ! Somebody seh that Berry planning fuh ask BJ to do some voluntary wuk at de hospital. De person tell Berry he need to “get it right”. If that is true, then Berry probably need a Dr! A certain “key” party man who does use Dr in he name, suing a former Chair-man.
Dem seh it gat some who does sell “karila leaf”, “fever grass”, “tee-zam” and “sweet sage” does want call dem self Dr. Some just visit de bush and suddenly turn Dr ? “Bush Doctor”. But is only one man who can seh he is real Dr while at de same time is a “Bush Dr”. That is de man who does look after George Bush! That is another story. But just like how Manny gat to look fuh dem who gon “pose” as tourist fuh get in de Casino, Berry looking fuh dem who “posing” as Dr Some seh Freddie does pose as one. No wonder he does look suh “bushy”! With three, BJ could afford to give Freddie and de “key” bush-man a Dr each. Oops…dem not deserving of it!
Ting-a-ling-a-ling… Friend tell friend… mattie tell mattie!

Old people does always seh when “mouth open, story jump out”. Some people like Freddie, who love to prattle, story does jump out easy. He always sehin how things bad with he and he can’t afford anything and that is de UG free salary does keep he up. He give everybody de impression that he poor like “church rat”. But, if yuh’ll remember, de Bell Crier did ask how a “church rat” could afford to own vehicles and build a fancy house in an expensive area. It tek “cheese” fuh own property like that and fuh a “church rat”, it mean a whole ton which it can’t “fetch”!
Now, suddenly, de same Freddie sehin that he never seh he poor. He turn round de story and asking how could a “church rat” own property and car. Suh by he own words, Freddie lie; a big big lie! Nobody expect any different from he! Is lie – tea, breakfast and dinner. People seh that he change he story only after de “mukracker” boss “skin” he up by sehin that Freddie does get pay “handsomely”. Freddie ain’t deny, except he query de meaning of “handsomely”. People can understand why he question such a word! Is now he word against he boss. Between them, people ain’t know who lying more than who.
De question is, could de “cheese” from de “mukracker” mek Freddie change he status from “church rat” to “aristo-rat”? He even seh he is a Professor and that he write a book! Is more laff than de Jim Carey movie, “Liar Liar”! Where is de book “professor”? People want fuh know if is de same book he “borrow” from de library donkey years back and never return it. He even justify why he keep it! Something like that does classify as larceny. Maybe he frighten fuh show de book since it could be evidence fuh related charges! He trying fuh get “insight” into life “inside”. Ting-a-ling-a-ling… Friend tell friend… mattie tell mattie!

Ever wonder how pirates know exactly when and where fuh go in de middle of de dark sea to attack fishermen? Some people seh is only a man of de sea can be a pirate. Dem even alleging it could be some fisher folk who pirating dem colleagues! Some get catch. But it still going on. De sea too big fuh de coast guard deh all over. Who knows if de pirates “spying” pun de coast guard like how some “bandits” does time de police patrols and then mek dem move. People seh bandits and de pirates gat “satellite watch”. Robeson pledge fuh “benn” de piracy, Gary doing he “best” and Leroy seh he is not “green” on de job.  But fish buyers don’t consider de risk fishermen does tek.
Dem love fuh bargain with de fishman when he selling two “bangamary” fuh $1000 and a “gailbacker” fuh de price of a BlackBerry Torch. Is sheer noise does be in de “fish pond”. That is why when noise mek in Parliament, de Speaker does remind de “honourable” noise makers that is not a “fish market” dem in. Sometime people does wonder if de Speaker serious. Anyway, he gat a hammer fuh mek noise too. His noise suppose to bring “quiet”. But noise don’t affect some people. Pass around when some security “guarding” and blow yuh horn. Yuh could blow till next New Year, he ain’t waking up. Yuh could even bring Fusion Sound System and Charmaine fuh sing, he ain’t getting up. But he wuking.
He ain’t gat fuh bargain like people and de fishman. One firm recently get plenty millions fuh provide “security” at some places. Plenty applying. Dem seh it easy because is payment fuh sleep! But some people wuking. GPL now get financially stable. Congrats! If only de current, de reading of de metres and de bill could get stable. Leslie seh he trying fuh stabilise sugar. People want fuh know if he mean de colour. Some was even pirating de sugar, but that stabilise. Others pirating songs and movies openly. Dem even gat “security” fuh “see” who shoplifting de “pirate” copies. Even de sleeping “security” pirate de American show and calling dem self, “CSI”. People seh it can only mean “Crime Scene Indolence”! Ting-a-ling-a-ling…Friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie!