September 22, 2014

More mad people outside than inside

Sometimes people does rightfully wonder if it got more mad people outside of de mad house than inside. Indeed, some people does look mad, like Rum Jhaat, but it ain’t really got nutten to do wid how peope look. It got more to do wid whah people seh, again, like Rum Jhaat.

Rum Jhaat start out wid a no-confidence motion that only had one line, but it tek a whole month to finish. It had to be that Rum Jhaat got a hole in he head. Then Rum Jhaat tek another whole month to show de no-confidence motion to Green Jah after he beg fuh support from de Harmy man.

All this time Rum Jhaat seh he was wukkin pun de motion, but wid a man who got a hole in he head, is no wonder it tek so long to write lil bit. After all, it wasn’t a large bottle that he had to get and fetch to Green Jah.

Rum Jhaat is a man who does mek a large look small three times day, and when ever he get vex, which is every day, another one does look small before he sleep. But a lil gyal by de court seh every ting fuh Rum Jhaat small anyway.

So is no wonder Rum Jhaat does fall shaat of every ting whah de do. Right now, Rum Jhaat shaat a friends, shaat a support and shaat a sense. He tell a Minister to haul he a** and de other day he tell reporter to tell de Pee-Pee-Pee to haul dem a**.

It only now leff to wonder whah is Rum Jhaat obsession wid a**. Well, is de same lil gyal who had to explain that since Rum Jhaat shaat in front, he decide to move to de back, which is why he talkin so much bout a**.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! After all, she seh, Rum Jhaat is a real a**, so whah else yuh expect? So look out fuh Rum Jhaat mek he self a bigger a** next time.

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Green Jah ain’t know whah kinda poll he want

Guyana ain’t had local poll since 1994. That is 20 years ago – and that is a helluva long time fuh a country (or wuss yet, some body) not to have a poll. It more bad than starvation. Some people does go 20 hours wid out a poll and does get scratchity. And is only a poll does settle dem down.

That is whah happen all de way in Scotland de other day. Dem Scottish people was gettin scratchity. Dem had want independence from Britain, or at least some of dem did. So dem run a poll fuh de whole country. Old people and young people get a chance at de poll. Now every body settle down since dem had de poll.

But in Guyana and any where else, 20 years wid out a poll can’t wuk. No matter if yuh old or young. Most people does want poll at some time. And dem would never wanna wait 20 years fuh a local poll. Even if it a fuss time poll, 20 years sound like a long time. Especially nowadays.

Guyana used to get a lotta thiefin poll under Burnt Ham. When he dead, de Heights man start thiefin poll. It had to tek a real good poll to get de Heights man out. But Cheddi had de right poll fuh he.

Now de Harmy man Green Jah tek over. And Harmy men accustom to poll.

That is why Green Jah bring so mucha Harmy people in de party. He turn round and give he own party a thiefin poll. But now he don’t know if he want a local poll or a general poll.

So de Prezzi tell Green Jah to mek up he mind whah kinda poll he want. One time he deh behind Rum Jhaat poll, which is a no confidence poll. And when a man poll lose confidence, it better he drop dead, just like de poll.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! Green Ham gon have to call a prayer service to make sure Green Jah get de right poll!

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Tax man find de nexus to de Lexus

It gotta man who people does call Mr Clean, who used to play Mr Clean, according to whah people seh. Every ting used to look clean, accordin to whah he used to show people. Even de weights whah he used to lift, he used to use to lift dem clean off de ground, accordin to whah people see.

Mr Clean was on a trip not too long ago. And on that trip Mr Clean had to strip. And on that trip, when Mr Clean strip, he get ketch because he had mek a slip. That slip was a slip down, a slip up and a lotta tings whah he slip down he throat. Now he gon be on another trip back to wheh he first jump ship.

Mr Clean used to handle 800 pounds of iron pun he hand alone, but when he try to handle 1.4 pounds of cocaine in he belly, he end up falterin like jelly. And when he was in de NY Prison dem fellas had give he a new name Shelly.

When he was in fronta de judge he had try to tell a story that he been tryin to help he mother. But de judge mek it clear that he ain’t been a good ‘brother’. So when he beg fuh pardon, de judge tell he that he shoulda been plantin garden.

Well, just like how Mr Clean used to play clean in high day clean, it gotta another fella by a market who does play Squeezy Clean. He does preach as far as he can reach and when he hold on pun some body he does be like leech.

But this is man who from de beginnin used to put tings in salipenter and pumpkin that he coulda only do in de night under moon light. And of course he used to collect people money to send dem away and then disappear out of sight. But sooner rather than later tings start to come to light.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! And with de tax man findin de nexus to de Lexus, Squeezy gon wish he was in Texus!

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Green Jah, Green Ham need help wid dem action

After all is said and done, Green Jah suppose to be a man of action. After all, men from de Harmy does be action men. That is because, after all, Harmy men does get a lotta action in and outta de Harmy.

After all, Green Jah indeed had some action outta de Harmy and near to de Prison in 1980. After all, that was quite a lotta action under Green Jah when Rodney was by the Prison and another Harmy man give he some ting to hold.

After all, Green Jah had to continue he own action to send de Harmy man to another Guyana. Was a whole lotta action to bring he back to this Guyana, but de problem was that Green Jah by then was hidin from de action.

De other problem is that, after all dem years, when every body thought that Green Jah woulda turn up at de Rodney CoI and talk bout de Rodney action, he seh he ain’t want that kinda action.

So Greeh Jah end up hidin from that action too. And to this day, he still hidin from that action. Some body seh he friken that de action gon turn againt he. But one woulda thought that as a old (in every sense of de word) Harmy man, he woulda still want a piece of de action.

But de other day, he announce a totally different kinda action. And to get that action goin, he had to team up wid he old (in every sense of de word) pardna in action, Green Ham. De problem is that by he own admission, Green Ham ain’t even able wid Sooba action.

So Green Ham end up callin a prayer service to help he wid he action. But when he turn up (wid every ting turn down), that is when de GT people realise is whah kinda action he want.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! In de end, even de other Green complain that no matter how hard she pray, she couldn’ta get Green Ham into any kinda hard action!

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Guyana ain’t only de land of many waters

Joe Hardmouth open he hard mouth de other day and start ramblin bout some body cuttin wood in some forest in Guyana. Like he had never realise that this is not only de land of many waters, but also de land of plenty wood.

That was of course after de paper man had tek de same man wood and put it in front of he paper fuh a whole month. Now only yesterday de Bell Crier point out that a lotta people does leap before dem look and talk before dem tink.

Well, it look like it gotta another category, and Hardmouth fall right in de centre. That is, people who does talk and never tink. Most of de times it does be because dem just can’t tink, and people who just can’t tink does end up so because dem just ain’t got brains.

So Hardmouth open he mouth and grumble like a old man, which he is, bout de Forestry Commission. Then he run he mouth bout de Forestry Commissioner. As if that ain’t enuff, he mek he mouth even more hard bout de Minister, all de time babblin like if he is a forest expert.

Well, the tip of de iceberg (not de wood) was when Hardmouth decide to tell some body (he was friken to do it heself) to tell de Minister to tell de Forestry Commissioner that he accept de challenge to a public debate.

But before de debate, Hardmouth seh he want a set of documents to read. Well, some ting got to be wrong right hey. This is a man who done open he hard mouth and talk like a wood expert.

By de time Hardmouth done talk, any body woulda tink he is a expert on Guyana wood from when dem small to when dem get big. Not so. It turn out that Hardmouth want to debate which involve talkin and not demonstrate which involve showin.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! So is now people know that Hardmouth is more of a mouth man than a wood man!

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Look before yuh leap; tink before yuh talk

Old people seh look before yuh leap. That also mean yuh must tink before yuh talk. Or don’t jump into some ting before yuh know bout some ting. But not plenty people does listen to old people in these times.

A lotta people nowadays does leap and then look. Or talk and then tink bout whah dem talk. That is whah happen to Lall Bachan. A long time now, Lall Bachan was nutten even though he had wanna be a lotta tings and wanna be like a lotta people.

Finally, Lall Bachan decide he wanna be a lawyer. So he tek a big leap and turn lawyer. But as usual, Lall Bachan ain’t look before he leap. Now after all dem years Lall Bachan is a lawyer, some how he still wanna be a lawyer. If only he had hear de old people. What a ting!

Green Bridge got de same problem. He start callin some of de companies in Guyana a national disgrace. That is pot tellin de kettle how he bottom black. Or lil pig tellin mammy pig how she mouth long. Or Joe Hardmouth tellin Green Ham how he old and ugly.

If Green Bridge talkin bout disgrace, de first ting he suppose to do was talk bout he own self. Green Bridge was a national disgrace when he was a minister and he tek de whole country and mek it into a international disgrace. What a ting!

Is de same ting wid de paper man who had wanna drive not one but two Lexus, and now tekkin taxi fuh go to wuk since de tax man pull he in. Paper man even paste up sticker to tell people to stop corruption when de very Lexus was sheer corruption.

Now paper man got de guts to seh how people tellin lie pun he when every day is sheer lies in de paper man paper.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! That is like paper man tellin de ice man from Annandale how he thiefin current. What a ting!

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From pump problems to wood problems

Is every where yuh look yuh seein one problem or another. And these problems is wid some of de major tings that never suppose to have any kinda problems. Not people nor country can function wid these kinda problems.

That is why so mucha people unhappy wid de Guvament and de Opposition fuh one reason or another. In one way, de Guvament is not to be blame, because these problems suppose to get fix by people who gettin pay to fix dem. On de other hand, de Opposition can’t solve de problem even when dem was in power.

In de last few weeks, all yuh hearin bout is pump problems, pole problems, stone problems, and wood problems. One contractor get pay to bring in pumps. De pumps come in and no body can’t see dem, causing people to do dem own pumpin when dem ain’t see no pumps.

And of course, whenever yuh have pump problems, yuh must get water problems. Is usually too much water when it ain’t got no pumps. In as much as no water does be problems, too much water does be more problems.

Only de other day Gee-Pee-Hell had pole problems. Not enuff poles to put in de holes. So dem start lookin outside fuh poles. But that only mek de problem wuss, because once yuh tek some body else pole, that is big problem, especially when is nuff poles yuh start tekkin.

Not too long ago, Minister Benn Down admit he ain’t got no stones leff. De TAG man announce that BK got nuff stones all over and even offer Benn Down to see BK stones. Well, Benn Down ain’t tek de offer, but now BK own wuk men turn round and thief BK stones.

But TAG man insist that BK still got stones. Is no wonder BK start to fly now. It musbe hard to walk wid all dem stones.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! Well, de wood problem aint’ so old. Is just that a man who got no-good wood want some good wood!

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De lash and de backlash

In life, fat talk does got talk back. And knock does got knock back. That is why old people seh “do fuh do nah obeah”. If yuh do a man some ting, expect him to do yuh back some ting. Even women does operate de same way in nuff ways nowadays.

Accordin to science, it gotta equal and opposite reaction to every action. But some times de reaction does be more bad than de action. Well, talkin bout action, it gotta lotta action goin on right now.

Science ain’t reach so far to teach that lash does got backlash, although de whole talk bout lash could mean a lotta different tings. But it got nuff lash and backlash action goin on right now. Some is lash, some is backlash, some is lash back, and some is lash in de back. And this ain’t even got any ting to do wid backtrack.

One paper man does tek he paper and lash every body who he gotta problem wid. Or who ever he ask a favour from and he ain’t get it. A young reporter seh de only kinda lash whah de paper man can do is paper lash.

Any other lash is de paper man gettin lash or some body fuh de paper man gettin lash. Is not plenty people in this life can tek all that lashin. But de reporter seh paper man gotta strong back so he can tek a good lashin, then turn back and leggo a paper lash.

Over de years, paper man get accustom to lashin people front, centre and back in he paper. Half does be lie and de next half does be de opposite of de truth. But yet when another paper dig a lash in de paper man, paper man bawl and seh is sheer lie.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! But de Lexus people write down paper man name as family. Yet, one time paper man seh de Lexus people is he friend. Next time paper seh is he family friend. That is sheer lie!

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Paper man get fingered again

De fingers and de thumb are useful parts of de human hand, which in turn is a useful part of de human body. But de fingers and de thumb does be used fuh both good tings and bad tings, especially de fingers.

So some people does get thumbs up when dem do good and some people does get a raised up middle finger when dem mess up tings. On de night of de CPL final in Saint Kitts, dem fellas from Barbados and dem officials ain’t behave like saints at all.

That is why dem get a lotta raised middle fingers from de crowd, especially one of dem umpires. And you bet, he is also a Bajan. Word is out a long time now that dem fellas in that sister Caricom country does tek this sister thing literally.

That is why some body seh dem Bajans was so happy after de match. At first people thought it was because de officials cheat fuh mek dem win. Is only later people realise that it had to do more wid de middle fingers whah de crowd give dem.

Well, it look like a paper man in Guyana gettin just like dem Bajans. De paper man get fingered de other day in one duty-free scam, and it look like it was de middle finger because paper man jump up from he seat when de fingerin start up.

But he eventually sit down back and pretend as though nutten never happen. That is how accutom he get to gettin fingered. Now, like jello pun ice cream, de paper man just get fingered yet again in yet another scam.

De paper man own reporter seh that de paper like to get fingered since he was small. And as he get bigger and bigger, it was more and more fingerin from more and more people. Now paper man trying to finger other people.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! And Rum Jhaat give Nogel Hugly a middle finger. But it look like Nogel happy wid any one of Rum Jhaat, or fuh that matter, any body finger.

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Rum Jhaat high in spirits these days

De Hope Canal Project just get another deadline. Just when every body thought de last deadline was de last deadline, de Guvament announce another deadline as de last deadline. That is why de people at Hope get hopeless all over again.

And talkin bout hopeless, Rum Jhaat is a man who look like he gettin hopeless just like de Hope(less) Canal Project. And people who hopeless does get desperate. And desperate people does do desperate tings.

That is why Rum Jhaat always got to seh some ting even when he ain’t got nutten to seh. And whah ever he seh does got to be in de paper man paper, especially wid elections fever heatin up. Somebody seh Rum Jhaat elections campaign office gon be at 7-owe-4, because he does be deh from 7 till 4. PM to AM.

So from 7 till 4, Rum Jhaat mouth does get a lot more freedom, and de talk does get a lot more dumb. Was right deh Rum Jhaat get drunk de other day and he start to feel like he had power. So he stand up pun a table and seh de P-P-Pee-See gettin drunk wid power.

Well, that is de only time in de last 20 years that Rum Jhaat was able to stand up. After all, if a man can’t stand up in one way, he might as well choose another way how he can stand up.

In fact, de only reason Rum Jhaat play some kinda cricket match de other day is because he hear de match had some ting to do wid de spirit of unity. And once Rum Jhaat hear bout spirit, he does get in de spirit.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! Some body at de match seh Rum Jhaat was definitely in high spirits de other night when de match done play. And it was only when he couldn’t get any higher that he end up right back flat pun de ground lookin up at how high he was all de time.

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