Staybroke News, also known as de Stabber News, stayin true to its name – it runnin broke, for news, that is. Runnin de Rum Karran blog in full is one ting. But then runnin it again as though a reporter write a story is another ting. Is de same ting does happen wid Sus Penders in Rum and he what-yuh-might-call-it columns.

Now it look like if Tony Virus join de elite group of write-sum-ting-get-double-coverage in de Staybroke paper. De Virus can’t write columns, so he writin letters, or he gettin Hen Rico to write them fuh he, since both of dem talkin de same **it, but on different days.

So now de Virus write a letter bout uplink and downlink and de Staybroke paper publish de letter, then write a story from de same letter. It look like is de Hen write de letter because de story connect every ting what de two of dem seh. No wonder de Hen and de Virus is good friends.

De Virus now sound like a bitter man and he look like a sour man. It look like he had try to get he ting up before he sell it, but it only come down. Now de people at Straybroke tryin fuh help de Virus to get it back up wid all de coverage. Even de Hen can’t help because he get sum ting since 1997 and he still can’t get it up.

One of de Virus female staff at de time seh when he sell de ting, he couldn’t get it fuh wuk, and it was fallin down every time he try. That is why he decide fuh sell it out. Now another man buy out every ting and de new owner get every ting up. De same ting what de Virus couldn’t get up, de Pharma man tek it and mek it wuk. Now every ting up and runnin.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! But de Virus get vex and writin letter because he still can’t get any ting up!

Long ago, in primary school, de boys and girls does play a nice lil game called ‘my riddle, my riddle, my riddle’ – one person would seh sum ting and de others would have to guess who or what de person talkin bout.

If de boys and girls still playin that game, wid all that happen over de weekend and de past few days, dem  gon have a lotta riddles to test one another wid. Most of dem bound to be bout who is a hypocrite and who is not.

De first one would go like this: my riddle, my riddle, my riddle – a man don’t want to support de Specialty Hospital because he client didn’t get de construction contract, even though de project gon be good fuh plenty poor people. Who is he? Answer: a hypocrite.

De second one would go like this: my riddle, my riddle, my riddle – a man don’t want to vote fuh de Anti-Money Laundering and Countering the Financing of Terrorism Bill because he got connection wid, and does represent, drug lords and other questionable characters. Who is he? Answer: a hypocrite.

De third one would go like this: my riddle, my riddle, my riddle­­ – a man wanted to be president real bad. He wanted to be president so bad that he run to de U.S. embassy to tell lies pun he colleagues dem in de party so that he could be nominated. Then de colleagues dem put he out de party. Who is he? Answer: a hypocrite.

De fourth one would go like this: my-riddle my-riddle my-riddle – a man don’t want de Marriott Hotel to go up and he vote against it because he friend and party financial supporter own another run-down hotel nearby. Who is he? Answer: a hypocrite.

Well, de other riddle would be bout a man who tryin to fire a woman because de woman expose how he wife don’t want to pay taxes and then he turn round and thief de Japanese money.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! And de final riddle gone go like this –who are de biggest hypocrites in town? Answer: Rum Jhaat and Green Ham.

It look like more and more people who got a dutty and dodgy past tryin to do a makeover these days. De Bell Cryer had notice a long time now that de first and biggest dutty one was Mook Lall. But it got some others who want a make over too.

De Mook is one of dem who tryin desperately fuh do a makeover so that people gon fughet he scampish, sketchy and snitchy ways. De Mook tryin really hard but he ain’t gettin thru. Wid de kinda stinkin past that he got, no amount of makeover or makeup gon wuk. Is like tryin fuh mek black paint turn to white.

Now it look like de undisputed mayor fuh life Green Ham join de Mook in de makeover list. But just like de Mook, no matter how hard Green Ham try, no amount of makeover or makeup gon wuk pun he. Is a long time now Green Ham mekkin people disappear and riggin elections. Dem two tings alone gon send Green Ham to hell even before he dead, if he not in hell already!

People got plenty words dem could use to describe Green Ham face. But one of dem bound to be bare face. Imagine Green Ham got de balls to take de media pun a tour of de **ity, tellin dem what plans he got in store fuh restore GT.

Green Ham didn’t do any ting fuh GT when he was slime minister. And since de 1990s when he turn mayor fuh life, GT get more stink wid more garbage. Wid Green Ham, more years gon past and de **ity gon get worse. De mayor promising to look after GT is like throwin water pun eddo leaf.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! De only way de **ity can get better is if de mayor fuh life put back de Japanese money and pay he wife taxes!

People associate rum drinkin wid a lotta talkin. No wonder people does wonder if Rum Jhaat always drunk because he always talkin. When Rum Jhaat in Parliament he talkin.

When he outta Parliament, he still talkin. Rum Jhaat just can’t keep he mouth shut.

Then it got some people who have sum ting to seh and others who have to seh sum ting. Well, Rum Jhaat clearly fall into de latter category––plenty talk wid nuttin fuh any body to really listen to. But he always have to seh sum ting.

Just like GT producing garbage all over de place, Rum Jhaat talkin garbage every time he open he mouth.

Maybe Rum Jhaat feel he gotta talk all de time because he own KFC party not even listenin to he, especially since No Gel Hughly tek over de leadership. Anybody who tink that No Gel is not de leader could ask Nagga Man de Jack Ass.

De other day Rum Jhaat threaten that he gon call snap elections. Like he had lose he senses because de KFC only got seven seats in de House. Is when he realize that Green Jah wasn’t supportin he that he snap back into he senses, that is, whatever is left of dem.

Now Rum Jhaat seh de KFC not supportin de anti-money launderin bill unless de prezi Donald sign off on de opposition bills. This time Rum Jhaat threaten guvament that he gon mek Guyana miss de OECD deadline. Well,Green Jah tell Rum Jhaat he could keep he seven seats because FLAPNU gon vote fuh de bill in Parliament.

But every body know de real reason is that Rum Jhaat and de KFC got close connections wid de drug lords and de people who deep into money launderin.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! But sellin out he country is nuttin new fuh Rum Jhaat. Remember Rum Jhaat vote against de Specialty Hospital because de Feathers people who lose de construction bid is he client!

In cricket yuh does have de number one batsman and de number one bowler. In golf and tennis yuh does have de world number one player. In boxing yuh does have de undisputed champion. All sports does have a way of knowin de best.

Well, Green Ham is de undisputed mayor of de city of GT, meanin Garbage Town. Green Ham is like de mayor of GT fuh life. Nobody can ever become mayor once Green Ham is alive. That is Green Ham motto.

Years ago when he used to rig all dem elections, Green Ham was slime minister fuh a long long time. And he had want fuh remain in de slime minister position fuh life as well. But that plan fall apart when de PPP/C win de elections. So de only other ting Green Ham was able fuh hold on to was de mayor position.

So when de town clerk Carol Sober, who just get appointed come and stand up to de mayor against all de corruption, Green Ham decide he ain’t tekkin dat from she. Green Ham plan protest, he write letter in de papers, he write letter to Sober, and now he walk out of a meetin.

Green Ham seh de town clerk suppose to write off he wife taxes, and how long she ain’t do that, he not gon be in any meetin wid she. That is what yuh call mayor fuh life. Green Ham believe he born to be mayor. So he want to die as undisputed mayor.

De difference is that sportsmen does achieve de highest position by doin outstanding tings in sports. But de mayorship is de opposite. Green Ham is de undisputed mayor because of de number of years he hold on to de position.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! And de longer Green Ham remain as mayor, is more de city becomin **itty…just like de mayor heself!

Mook Lall laugh turnin to cry a lot these days.

First, de police get a tip-off bout a man from Triumph on de East Coast Demerara who people seh was doin backtrack and was tekkin people money fuh give dem U.S. visa. So de police arrest de man and put he before de court. When de Mook see that, he start laughin and jumpin fuh joy.

It so happen that is de wrong man de police arrest and de case get dismiss. When de Mook see de man get release, he start fuh hold he head and cry.

De Mook was hopin fuh de man to get send to jail because that woulda mek people tink is somebody else doin backtrack and not he. De Mook still cryin till now, because he don’t know when de police gon come after he fuh all de backtrackin wuk he doin.

Then, de Mook run to de U.S. congressman, run to Curaçao, run to de International Press Institute, run to de U.S. ambassador, and run he mouth plenty in de Kocheur mud paper, which is de only paper what does publish what de Mook seh.

Now de Mook pay a Trickidad newspaper fuh write bout radio licence and he start laughin again. But when de Mook hear de Lunch Man seh that no sketchy and snitchy people gon get radio licence, he start one bawlin.

Well, de Mook was also hopin to scamp de Trickidad paper, but de Trickis more smart than de Mook and he had to pay money before dem write any ting fuh he. De Mook was plannin to rob de Trickis just like how he rob GPL and he rob de deportees!

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! Well, look out fuh when de Mook gon laugh again, because not too long after he gon start fuh cry.

Lord Nelson sing a song named “King Liar”. In de song Lord Nelson sing bout a competition in which people had to tell lies to win de crown as King Liar. Well, it got some people in Guyana who livin a lifetime of this song and every day dem does try to win and get de King Liar crown.

The best of dem is Rum Jhaat, who so bare face, he seh he is not de lawyer fuh de Feathers people and that he never collect any money from dem. Yuh hear lie? That is lie. Even de KFC party chairman No Gel Hughly seh that Rum Jhaat lyin thru de skin of he teeth and that Feathers was he client.

And Hughly seh so right in front of Rum Jhaat at de Side Ways Café. Well, that was a case of de real big KFC boss No Gel Hughly talkin in front of de man who tink he is de real KFC boss…Rum Jhaat. That was de only time Rum Jhaat mouth get so dry he couldn’t even dribble, which does come naturally fuh he.

Rum Jhaat end up winnin de prize two times in one day when he tell de Guyanese people that if Prezi Donald ain’t sign de bills that come from Parliament, de KFC gon call snap elections! Yuh hear lie? That is lie. That was also a bluff.

Well, Rum Jhaat lie so much that he was hopin that FLAPNU woulda support he, because wid only seven seats, every body want to know is what Rum Jhaat talkin bout.

In fact, because FLAPNU know how Rum Jhaat does tell a lotta lies, Poop Narine decide he gon have to talk to he lawyer first before mekkin a decision. It look like Rum Jhaat lyin so much now that it gon be hard fuh know when he actually tellin de truth.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! And look out fuh de undisputed King Liar Rum Jhaat to see what de next lie gon be bout!

In religion, people does get converted from bad to good. Dem does repent from bad tings and start doin good tings. In the Bible, a man named Saul turn to Paul because he change he ways. Is de same ting with de other religions. Bad people can turn good if dem change and makeover dem lifestyle.

But some people does be hypocites. All religions have dem. Dem does try fuh give people de impression that dem change, but dem does still do dutty tings both in and out de church, or de temple, or de mosque, or whatever dem does go to.

Guyana got plenty people who does try hard fuh change and do makeover. All de years dem involve in dutty tings, scampishness and criminal activities and now dem tryin to play pious as though dem never do any ting wrong. Dem boys who seh dem is boys got a lotta dem.

Imagine Baddamn, who had to run whenever Burnin Ham seh walk, who help rig elections, and who help ban news print from de country, now doin a makeover and talkin bout press freedom. De only ting ever change bout Baddamn is he wuk place. But is de same dutty wuk he doin all de time.

Freddie Kissmansoon is another one who tryin to do a makeover from man kissin, book thiefin and beatin up people in de Shitty Council. Old people seh yuh can take de pig outta de mud, but yuh can’t get de mud outta de pig. (Hope de pigs don’t get vex because ah compare dem wid de Man Kisser.)

But de biggest failed makeover of de century is Mook Lall. Even Baddamn tryin he best to produce a makeover Mook and he can’t mek it. Baddam gon have to erase all dem years when de Mook move from salipenter exporter to shoe seller to backtracker to Guyana Stores thief to Lusignan and Bartica conspirator to scandal monger to embassy snitcher.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling…friend tell friend…mattie tell mattie! But Baddamn too desperate fuh do he own makeover, so de  Mook on he own!